The Knosee

I spent time in prayer earlier today, giving thanks to God for His mighty blessings and the way He has continued to carry me, protect me, and provide me during a season of life that defies the words to describe it.
I had thought I was getting myself to safety leaving an abusive marriage, to a partner who wasn't interested in the marriage part but very much enjoyed the perks of stability of partnership, support, and financial provision. Never could I have KNOWN or SEEN that trying to get myself to safety only landed me in the deepest and darkest waters I've ever known; Tossed overboard into shark infested waters.
Far from finding the space to heal, instead I was plunged into a world of madness not of my own making. Instead of peace I have been surrounded and infiltrated in the most violating of ways - regular home invasions, radical destruction of privacy, constant monitoring, and quite literal attacks on all sides.
Stalking and harassment is very real and, depending the campaign and those involved, can have levels that run very deep, sparing no expense. There have definitely been days in the past where I felt like I was drowning, struggling to get my footing, when there was no sandy bottom beneath me to steady myself.
The lengths and depths some people will go for revenge and to punish others out of their own brokenness, their own avoidance of shame, the lack of self-worth, has taken my breath away more than once this past 16 months. Once your eyes are opened to the truly vile and evil nature of man you can't ever go back. Oh, how God must grieve that he sees it on a global scale.
My little invisible army, which is not so little and that I continue to diligently document, continues to put up quite the fight; always finding new ammunition, new tactics, all in an effort to try and wear me down, to break my Spirit, to push me to the darkest coldest depths so I don't get up. That is their goal.
But, instead of drowning, God has helped me learn how to breathe underwater.
When you think about being underwater, below surface level things can be distorted. Light refractions bounce through water, sounds become muffled, control over movements stifled as water pushes at you from every direction and the deeper you go, the greater the pressure until it's squeezing you on all sides. It's one thing when life naturally does it, it's entirely another when it's a man made situation, not of your own choosing, that put you there in the first place.
God is showing me how sometimes we have to stay underwater, in that place, before we break the surface. We struggle for air, to breathe, and panic can overtake us. It's only natural. It's uncomfortable, it's not our natural environment, and it's not how God wants us to be, or treat one another - intentionally trying to inflict pain, misery, and destruction when His word clearly calls us instead to love and have compassion.
The efforts against me have been multi-faceted and relentless, even to this day, all in an attempt to get me to give up trying to reach the surface; to drown in hopelessness, defeat, and disappointment.
Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God
unless they are born of water and the Spirit.”
John 3:5
But Jesus has been my breath and my life. He has helped me learn how to breathe underwater. My faith has only been driven deeper, my reliance on God and the Word, only more fervent. I have been born anew in ways I never could have predicted.
Only God knows His divine plan with why this was brought to my doorstep and the ways He'll use it for the glory to his Kingdom as this all goes so far beyond just me. Because so many people chose to participate it will also effect them. In what ways, time will tell.
And this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also—not the removal of dirt
from the body but the pledge of a clear conscience toward God.
It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 3:21
I was plunged into darkness and left to die but Jesus has been there with me all the time breathing new life into me, sustaining me, teaching me to survive in treacherous waters, and reminding me daily that I am never alone and His grace surrounds me and keeps me afloat, even in the depths far below the surface.
This is something David cried out about constantly when begging for mercy, for saving, for God's movement, and move God did in David's life, putting him in position (what he did with it is another story entirely) and making his enemies a footstool. David had thousand's against him, ensured defeat, an army against one.
Except we are never an army of one as long as we have God with us and we keep that arm outstretched to Jesus, who can perform the miraculous, like teaching you how to breathe underwater, and keep going.
Glory to God in the highest, forever and ever. Amen.
Psalm 69
Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched.
My eyes fail, looking for my God.
Those who hate me without reason outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause, those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore what I did not steal.
You, God, know my folly; my guilt is not hidden from you.
Lord, the Lord Almighty, may those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me;
God of Israel, may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me.
For I endure scorn for your sake, and shame covers my face.
I am a foreigner to my own family, a stranger to my own mother’s children;
for zeal for your house consumes me, and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
When I weep and fast, I must endure scorn;
when I put on sackcloth, people make sport of me.
Those who sit at the gate mock me, and I am the song of the drunkards.
But I pray to you, Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love,
O God, answer me with your sure salvation.
Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters.
Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.
Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
Come near and rescue me; deliver me because of my foes.
You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed; all my enemies are before you.
Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none.
They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar for my thirst.
May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and a trap.
May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see, and their backs be bent forever.
Pour out your wrath on them; let your fierce anger overtake them.
May their place be deserted; let there be no one to dwell in their tents.
For they persecute those you wound and talk about the pain of those you hurt.
Charge them with crime upon crime; do not let them share in your salvation.
May they be blotted out of the book of life and not be listed with the righteous.
But as for me, afflicted and in pain— may your salvation, God, protect me.
I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.
This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hooves.
The poor will see and be glad— you who seek God, may your hearts live!
The Lord hears the needy and does not despise his captive people.
Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and all that move in them
for God will save Zion and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.